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If I'd Only Known


It seemed innocent enough.  I simply clicked on a link that a friend had posted on Facebook.  The link was about homeschooling.  Specifically, why one would be “crazy” enough to choose that option for their children?  For many reasons, the subject always interests me, but because I have a sister with nine children that she homeschools, I find it even more intriguing.  I find the whole “lots of kids, stay at home mom, homeschooling culture” fascinating.  I am in awe of these Godly parents who dedicate their lives to raising Godly children.  Yes, it fascinates me, but there is another effect that it has on me. 

As I scrolled thru this site with beautiful pictures of sweet children reading under trees, working in gardens, and homes decidedly dedicated to the home school effort.  I wept.  It was totally unexpected.  I was overcome with emotion.  Now why would a sixty-year-old woman, long past child bearing and child rearing stages weep over pictures of strangers?

I guess the best way to put it is regret.  I’ve known for years that if I had it all to over again, I would do it very differently.  The “it” in this case referring to those years when I was so blessed to have the ability to bear and raise children.  But in this particular moment, my mind was flooded with the realizations of what might have been and all that I wish I had known.  I so lament that many times I bought the lies of the world that told me how and when to do things. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not live in guilt.  I fully believe that I did the best I knew how at the time, and that the merciful and forgiving God I serve accepts my feeble efforts and loves me completely.  I am blessed to have been married to my best friend for forty years.  I have precious children and grandchildren, and more friends than anyone deserves.  Still, there are so many things I wish I had known when we were starting out. 

If only I had known that…
·      It’s ok to fail and that perfection is not possible as a mother, a wife, or in housekeeping.
·      Efforts to control everything around you are futile, exhausting, and steal your joy and peace.
·      My parent’s mistakes did not dictate who I was or make it necessary to make up for them.
·      Time spent with God and in his Word makes everything better even when there seems to be no time for it.
·      God was perfectly capable of determining the number of and the timing of the children we would have.
·      You can never spend too much time holding your little one.
·      The piddly sum I made working outside the home was in no way worth leaving my sweet babies for.
·      God would supply all my family’s needs perfectly and in his time without my help.
·      The time would go oh so fast and that every moment should be savored.
·      Homeschooling was an option.
·      Striving for perfection steals precious time and memories.
·      I didn’t know anything, but that God knew everything.
·      Teenagers really are not capable of making “mature” decisions.

Yes, these and so many more, I wish I had known.  So, here I am on the other side of those years.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything and I am thankful to my God who can redeem my failures.  I know that He knows that I tried my best.  I know that I came into my marriage and childrearing years with some serious baggage.  But what I did possess was on overwhelming desire to be a good wife and mother, and to serve my God.  More than anything I wanted to leave a legacy of “God love” to my kids.  The good news is that God took my meager efforts and multiplied them.  The fruits of that are evident in my family now and will be on into eternity.  I only hope that I can pass along what I have learned so that other young wives and mothers can benefit from what I have learned along the way. 

Regrets, yes, guilt no, but if only I had known.  I can’t help but wonder what blessings I missed.  I wonder if God had other babies planned for me that I refused to accept?  I wonder how many memories did not come to fruition because of “something important” that had to be done?  I wonder how many times God must have shaken his head at me and wondered too.  I wonder what could have been?

Proverbs 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.



Comments

  1. Doug and LindaNovember 6, 2011 at 10:04 AM

    Amen my sister...Amen. So expressed my own thoughts..thank you.

    ReplyDelete

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